Everyone always seems to think I've somehow forgotten her, that I walked away and never look back. That cause I don't celebrate her birthday or make a big fucking deal about it on FB or Myspace or whatever, that I don't remember it.
You cannot carry a child inside of you for any amount of time and forget them, you cannot forget giving that child the option to live even though the Dr's say it could kill you, you don't forget the pain of labor and the intense fear when your child's heart stops beating, you cannot forget when you have a 6" scar to remind you daily that your risked it all, you cannot forget that first glance, smile, cry, bath, etc.
When I was pregnant they said it could kill me, when I gave birth she saved my life.
I didn't have her for long, but she was my whole world. So I don't talk about it, don't tell ppl about her, don't let my emotions show, but damnit there isn't a moment of my life that goes by where I don't think about her and miss her.
So I may keep a smile on my face, make jokes and act a damn fool for a few laughs, but while you judge me saying 'how could she not care', if you could see how broken I am inside and the pain behind my eyes, the tears that fall when I shower, the nightmares that invade my sleep, the thoughts I have when I see a little girl in the store or park...you wouldn't be judging you'd be wishing you'd never had to know the suffering and heartache.
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