Looking deep...

I'm deeply hurting, I want to cry and scream with everything inside of my soul until all the pain and anger leaves me. I want to lay in bed and cry into my pillow for days and then sleep for weeks.

Instead I smile, I fill my voice full of laughter, and my heart full of love. I choose to live every moment of everyday making memories. Being adventurous and compassionate, giving of myself to others, deserving or not. I don't see myself as any different, better or worse from anyone else in the world.

I've been through hell and back more times in my life than most would imagine cursing their worst enemy with. I have valid reasons to loathe and resent all of mankind. I could make excuses for being a cold hearted bitch, for degrading others, for not caring, for not trusting or loving. I have been given every justification in the world time after time again, but I see the world and people in a different way somehow.

Perhaps one day I will get further into the depths of my tormenting childhood and vicious and destructive teenage yrs/adulthood.
For now, I leave you with a few thoughts.

Instead of holding contempt and sadness in your heart, cry for moment/punch a wall...then open your eyes and try seeing the hearts/souls behind the actions. Every action we make in life affects not only us, but those around us, you can only give others control, by allowing their actions to effect your life.

...tears...

Everyone always seems to think I've somehow forgotten her, that I walked away and never look back. That cause I don't celebrate her birthday or make a big fucking deal about it on FB or Myspace or whatever, that I don't remember it.
You cannot carry a child inside of you for any amount of time and forget them, you cannot forget giving that child the option to live even though the Dr's say it could kill you, you don't forget the pain of labor and the intense fear when your child's heart stops beating, you cannot forget when you have a 6" scar to remind you daily that your risked it all, you cannot forget that first glance, smile, cry, bath, etc.

When I was pregnant they said it could kill me, when I gave birth she saved my life.

I didn't have her for long, but she was my whole world. So I don't talk about it, don't tell ppl about her, don't let my emotions show, but damnit there isn't a moment of my life that goes by where I don't think about her and miss her.

So I may keep a smile on my face, make jokes and act a damn fool for a few laughs, but while you judge me saying 'how could she not care',  if you could see how broken I am inside and the pain behind my eyes, the tears that fall when I shower, the nightmares that invade my sleep, the thoughts I have when I see a little girl in the store or park...you wouldn't be judging you'd be wishing you'd never had to know the suffering and heartache.

Pops ♥

Years ago I wrote you a letter, full of anger and hurt for the relationship and experiences that I went through growing up.
Please forgive me for that letter that was written many years ago and replace it with this one.

Pops,

You are my hero.

Every little girl dreams up this fairy tail of a knight in shining armor, someone that will protect her and love her no matter what, who will rescue her when she's trapped and dying, and who comforts her when her heart is breaking. You have always been those things to me, didn't matter how many thousands of miles I was from home, you'd come rescue me when I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me. When my heart was breaking, you held my hand and watched the lightening storms with me because the sound drowns out my internal screams. When I was physically hurting and had no one to help me with Tryston, you took time out of your busy schedule to take care of Tryston for me so I could numb the pain and sleep for once. When I lost my last 2 babies, your hugs meant more to me than anything else in the world, I felt safe again, broken but safe. You make me smile and laugh, when no one else can.

You taught me to cook when I was little, I remember spending every chance I could in the kitchen with you. You taught me the value of others needs before my own, the year you took us girls to the store and spent all the money for our Christmas gift on another family who had just experienced a tragedy. You taught me that a person's past can make them or break them, just depends on their spirit and determination, by always being honest about your past but proving that through all your struggles you came out on top. You taught me what respect was, by the way you loved and respected my grandma. You taught me that no one is perfect, but to try to be the best ME that I can be. You taught me never to back down or run away from a fight, to face the bully/demon head on and charging. You taught me that with love comes forgiveness.


I'm proud that you are my dad, proud that you are my son's grandfather, proud that you are one of my closest friends.

I love you so much, happy 54th birthday.

One day...

My life was never easy, I was never the pampered princess, in fact I was so far from it that I'm not sure I even know what being pampered even means. Nothing that anyone tells me about their life surprises me, and most of the time when I tell someone details about my past and present life, they ask 'what movie was that again'...unfortunately that movie is "Lue's Nightmares". 

Who I am...for some reason my therapist always asked me what words described who I am, for years I've tried to find even just 1 word that would describe my character, yet every word I come across, I don't feel worthy of calling myself these things. Not being able to find self-value is a big problem, and I hope to one day see myself as someone good and decent. 

Letter to Tryston

Life is Cruel.

At four years old, you see the good in all people, you smile and talk to everyone, trusting that no one would ever hurt you, but son there are people in this world that aren't so nice, they will tease you for being different from them or for no good reason at all. There's nothing you can do about these types of people, don't focus on them, instead find positive people in life to surround yourself with. People who love you and genuinely care for you, hold onto those people and treasure every moment you have with them.

Life won't always turn out the way you want it or you planned for it to be, there will be times when you will be faced with disappointment rather than success, accept the disappointment and learn from turning negativity into positive change, never giving up on your dreams and goals.

You will face heartbreak, grief, and abandonment by those you love, I pray you don't face much of this in life, but when you do let it be a stepping stone to better things in life, and learn to use those moments to make you stronger.

Be open to life, yes you will find cruelty and suffering, but don't retreat, hide, or build walls up, you will miss great opportunities in doing so. You may get your heart broken 10 times, but on number 11 you may find the most amazing woman. You may be bullied and hurt by people, but for the dozens of jerks you meet in life, you'll meet 1 truly incredible friend who will be there through the toughest times and help create the best times. You may fail many times, but never let it deter you from reaching new heights and accomplishing your goals.

Remember that life isn't a competition, it's a journey. If you spend this journey always trying to impress others, you will never be completely happy. Never allow anyone to decide your future for you, not even me or your dad, we want want's best in life for you, but only you can decide that.

Enjoy life, make life about happiness, continual learning, constant improvement of self and love. Learn to be satisfied with having enough and doing things you love, rather than being so focused on having bigger and better and forgetting what true happiness is all about. Find your passion in life and pursue it, never settling with something you hate, just because it will give you more material things.

Some live by success.
Some live by selfishness.
Some live by righteousness.
These are people who are stressed, unhappy, put their needs before others, lonely, feel the need to degrade and hurt people rather than support and uplift them, who impact others in a negative way.

My son, live by love.

Your family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, strangers...show them love. Offer them a smile, kind words, kind gestures, a helping hand. Show them humility and honor, not cruelty and disappointment. Love the person who's been the cruelest, most unkind towards you, he/she is a tortured soul, and the most in need of love. Most of all, love yourself. Other may criticize you, put you down, say harsh things, but through it all, remember that you are a wonderful person with a tender soul, you are worth happiness and love.

Finally, know that I love you and always will, no matter what you do in life I will always support and cherish you. Nothing I will ever accomplish in life will be more important or more significant than being your mother.

My final thoughts on the Dentist...

In about 2.5 hrs I will be strapped to a chair with some old dude in a white mask cutting and plucking teeth from my jaw. Sound like the best start to a 1980's horror movie where the serial killers preys on it's victims biggest fears, until they have nothing left to fear, not even death... 

 

 

Ok so that was posted on my blog 2 days ago, yes a bit dramatic but it got the point across as to how scared I was to visit the dentist, I'd never had any "work" done before...and as I sit here tonight doped up on the best pain meds my lame insurance will buy, I reminisce about that lil old dude with the white mask and how I told him he was an f-ing magician after crying and screaming for what felt like an eternity but in reality was 2.5 minutes.
Ok screaming is a bit dramatic, I moaned loudly and yes a tear rolled down my cheek, but what in hades did the old dude expect when I told him "iiii caannn feeell thhat!" while he had his lil fat latex gloved fingers in my mouth with this tool that appeared to be something from the movie SAW.
I felt all of it...did he care? NO! He'd pumped into my mouth 2 vials of whatever that clear liquid that's supposed to make your whole mouth feel like it fell off your face, and yet I could still feel it all...20 minutes after I left the dentist that evil clear liquid kicked in and I didn't feel my face the rest of the day.
After telling the lil old dude how great he was, he replies "Good! Cause you get to come back in a few weeks and get all 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed! Thank you, please come again."

Oh no Mr. Dentist of Death, Thank you. For making me hate my oddly shaped roots and inferior high tolerance against drugs.

Yikes..

In about 2.5 hrs I will be strapped to a chair with some old dude in a white mask cutting and plucking teeth from my jaw. Sound like the best start to a 1980's horror movie where the serial killers preys on it's victims biggest fears, until they have nothing left to fear, not even death...
Ok..maybe I'm a lil dramatic this morning, but only in good fun to distract me from the pain other thoughts running through my head.
I'm scared! lol I hate pain, and have put up with the off and on pain that my teeth have been provoking for the last 3yrs or so, but the thought of not being able to talk or eat and having to be drugged to not want to rip my jaw from my face, scares me.
I'll be "an adult" about it, and just say "It's no big deal." doesn't change the fact that my stomach is turning and knotted up, my palms are sweating, and I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.
And other than the pain I worry about how I'm going to take care of Tryston for the next few days while doped up and experiencing pain? Eh...Supermom I will become.

On a more happy note, I got my hair cut yesterday, it hadn't been cut in over a year. I was really undecided about what I was going to get done, how short I wanted to cut it, worried that if I cut it too short, my fat lil face would look so much fatter, or I'd look like a lil oompa-loompa. Well, it turned out GREAT! I really love it, it's still got some length to it, but have really fun layers and great bangs! A lil oompa-loompa I am not!

Ok back to reality...need to leave soon...maybe mom will stop at Dunkin Donuts and let me get a coffee to calm my nerves...

Meditation

When the word 'meditation' is mentioned, most people instantly think of religion, from Christianity and Buddhism to Islam and Judaism, meditation is widely used throughout most religious cultures religiously to seek spiritual guidance or inspiration.

I view meditation in a different way, for me meditation is about centering one's self, finding inner peace, becoming more relaxed and allowing the weight of the world to dissipate. Yoga and meditation seem to relax and calm my emotions and state of mind. Silencing the world and focusing on breathing and quieting my mind resisting the urge to entertain random thoughts as they arise.

Doesn't seem like much of an "exercise" does it? In reality it takes alot of determination, will power, and self control to sit for an hour or even 30 minutes in complete silence ignoring everything, the phones, computer, children, chores, errands, drama, stress, etc. Just to sit and clear your mind focusing on breathing techniques. It may not burn calories, but it builds my inner strength and prepares me for the calorie burning, ass kicking exercises.

Let's Be Real...

Four years ago when I moved back to Florida, an old friend of mine gave me a set of pictures that she'd taken 2 years prior when I'd come to visit after having my first child, as I looked at these pictures of myself and 2 of my oldest friends standing side by side, I realized "I'm the fat girl." I think karma's a bitch and the things you say in life about others or how you will never be "like that", come back to give you a swift kick in the aft and let you feel the pain that your dirty looks, awkward stares, and rude comments made others feel.

I remember many times of walking through the mall or out at the movies with friends and seeing a big girl walk past and we'd all stare for a moment, then make comments to each other "Wow! Someone should eat a salad." "Did you see how tight her jeans were! She should not be wearing those, that's just gross." "If I ever get that big, slit my wrists for me." We would laugh and go on about whatever we were doing, not thinking twice about what our comments (which we always assumed the other person couldn't hear) or our stares made her feel.

Karma decided to castrate my 'mean girl' attitude! I've now experienced those comments, stares, underlying snide remarks that are said in the sweetest way with a dirty cut throat meaning. The 'mean girl' now has to eat her words, and lemme tell ya, they taste like pickle juice and monkey nuts covered in tar flavored gravy.

I won't say that I still don't have 'mean girl' tendencies, but now they're more so directed at the skinny girls! "Someone feed that girl a Big Mac!" I know it's wrong, but I believe it's part of human nature to judge others, even when we know it's wrong and could be hurtful.

Perfect example:
Sunday sitting outside Starbucks with my best friend, a girl walks through the parking lot in a gray clingy dress and high heels, 1 problem the skirt was REALLY short. Quietly we commented to each other that she should have worn different panties, because you could see every detail, about a minute later another lady walks out of Starbucks with her young teenage daughter, and says very loudly, "WoW! You can practically see that girl's vag!" My best friend and I couldn't help but laugh, because let's be real, we were both thinking the same thing, but trying to be nice about it, in only discussing the panty issue. My best friend said "To each their own, I guess."

She's right. We can all sit back and judge, but no one's perfect, all that really matters is how we feel about ourselves. While my best friend thinks she should lose 10 lbs, I would kill to have a body like hers, girls are going in to get breast implants to have big boobs while I sit back and wish I could be their perfect size C, some blondes wants to be brunettes, some fat girls want to be skinny, in the end everyone has something they don't like about themselves, so who are we to judge them and point out their flaws (major or minor)?

So while it's human nature to judge or make an observation about someone's appearance, attitude, or way of life, we need to remember that the things we say about others can hurt, and those same people we are judging are probably judging us back.

Ok...I'm done rambling, now let's all hold hands and sing Hakuna Matata together.